Linky: Sexy Losers Another online comic, although the guy that does this has slacked off due to personal illness.

Next Blog: Talk more about Equilibrium and The Boondock Saints They are worth discussion.

Hmm. Well, I accomplished my task of getting shit-faced. Last nite, I got drunker than I had been since new years eve of '01. I also remembered (the next day) why I don't get drunk anymore. I didn't get a hangover, but the reason I don't drink is that when you get shitfaced, you should have someone sober enough to take you home. I didnt. I almost didn't make it home. Shouldn't have drove, and swore my friend that took me there was the one of two cars that followed me home. That ended up not being the case, and I'm not even sure who the second car was. Im pretty sure I'm good from getting drunk for the next coupla years though. Stayed in bed all day and didn't do much of anything. Can't do that anymore. Missed my favorite great aunt coming in from kc, missed my great grandma's easter/birthday dinner. Apparently, I impressed Scott's sister with my ability to hold my booze though. Seems like she is used to drinking folks under the table. Hah. If I hadn't broken the cardinal rule of having a coupla beers before I went out, I woulda done much better.

I DO feel much, much better though. I was so stressed out from this class. Didn't like it, didn't want to be in it. Couldn't drop, damn sure couldn't fail. Just gotta maintain for 10 more months and then I'm done. What then? Dunno. Would like to finally leave Wichita for good. I'd be ecstatic if I could leave the midwest for good.

I'm a loner, by nature. Some folks have said that everyone is, especially computer nerds. It's getting to the point in IT now that you CANT be a loner, and I don't mind working in groups. I just prefer working by myself. In my personal life, especially since I've been in Wichita, I'm a loner as well. I hate seeing other people struggle by themselves like I do though. I've chosen my path, and I'll continue to try to stick with it, until I'm successful or stark raving nuts. ;)Having the car hobby didn't help much either. All car people are antisocial, and perverted. At least most are;) But having that hobby kept me outta trouble. This town is famous for jealousy, and jealousy I think is a worse sin than greed (al pacino voice)

I'm tired of getting checked by guys thinking I'm trying to get in their girlfriends pants. I'm tired of getting checked by guys thinking I'm trying to get in their boyfriends pants. I'm tired of not being able to talk to chicks because they think I'm trying to get into their pants. This town is way too square. If you want some booty, be upfront. Its hard enough trying to take care of yourself in this world, without getting into a bunch of bullshit just because of jealousy. I'm pretty sure the emotion itself is just a throwback survival trait. In my eyes, jealousy is what happens when someone has something that you don't have, and have no chance of EVER getting. So if I was jealous of someone over a woman or a computer or a car, that's as good as saying that I'll never in my life have something similar. That's rather silly, donchathink?

At one time I used to talk about polygamy, and starting a hedonistic cult out in the sticks. I was gonna be the patriarch and blah blah blah. Thus was the legend of the Reverend Newton Bigsexy born. I was never afraid to talk about sex, or listen to people's problems, or give advice. I thought at the time that people's problems (especially here) centered around their inability to be honest with themselves on certain issues, and many times that was sex. (Ya, I liked Freud, but never thought he had ALL the answers). Meeting the host of the party last nite Brian (damn he can mix some drinks) and seeing his basement of wonders made me start thinking about the "old me" and wondering what has happened to him. Perhaps now that I am responsible for my own welfare, I don't have the time to listen to other's problems as much anymore, and that makes me feel guilty?

I know that when I finally decided to get back in school and FINISH this time, I knew I had to put all distractions behind me. But I'm not sure if I like the consequences of making that decision. At least I don't have to worry about having to pay my bill's and my moms anymore, but if I ever fall or something happens to me, I sure as hell don't have a home to go back to. Maybe I'm scared of living, because of a fear of failure. I know failure is the only thing I'm really scared of. Perhaps that is why I run away from women now, or screw up (intentionally or not) with them. Before, I didn't have time for any kind of relationship, trying to go to school full time at two different places and keep a roof over my head took priority. Keeping my mom outta my pockets was another. It's also hard when people get all scared just cause you raise your voice. I always wanted my voice to be DEEP, and I guess it is, I just never realized, cause from my ears it didn't have the sound that I wanted.

In any case, it is certainly different now that I only have grad school to worry about. But coming out from the stress and forced introversion has been hard. I walk my path though, because that is what we all have to do. I favor Zen Buddhism and Samurai flicks so much because all I have in this world is my nuts and my word. Despite all the petty arguements and jealous rivalries that everyone goes through, that's all anyone has. I think if people realized this and stopped being so materialistic, or worried about what other people have, the world would be a better place. Can't change people's behavior though, at least not unless they let you.

Maybe I need to stop being afraid of offending people. I am still in the middle of wrestling with the cutthroatedness that these business classes kinda teach you, and of whether or not they are turning me into a sell-out. I am also afraid that I'm becoming an asshole. I used to believe that all human beings are basically good people, and I thought that one should always at least attempt to do the right thing. But that's fast becoming old to me, and if I stop trying to see the good in people, or caring about people, that's gonna turn my whole world upside down. It is a fact that there isn't a damn body looking out for me, so why am I always trying to look out for everyone else? I don't have a congregation of faithful, or a cult, or a platoon, so I should just be looking out for myself, right? Temper and temperment take a part in this too....

Old Chicago.
Took Scott to old Chicago on the west side tonite. His new girlfriend works there. Knew that's what he wanted when he showed up looking for me at another buddy's place. He wanted me to drive him cause he didn't want to use his own gas. It's all good, I got a dr pepper and some cheese fries. Old Chicago is NOT my scene though. Too many wanna be Abercrombie and Fitch folks there. Everyone being loud and trying to be centers of attention. Its a place the scott I knew of old would have avoided like the plague. But, in the years since I left emporia, he has definetly changed. Hormones might have something to do with it too. It was amusing when he tried to explain the "hierarchy" of things to me. I was "a friend of the boyfriend" so apparently I wasn't important enough to notice or talk to there. Preppy Bullshit. Although, not different from any other cultural group if you look at it from sociology standpoint.

Scott has been trying to make hints about letting him or his girlfriend drive my car. Dropped hint last nite, dropped hint again tonite "I think I could drive this car" If he drops hint again, I may have to be an asshole to make him get the point. I work for my own shit, and he can get behind the wheel when he's ready to make payments on the damn thing. I don't recall the man ever letting me drive any of the caddy's....Trying to understand why he's having his girlfriend meet him at my house and all this junk too. Looking for acceptance? Looking to move in? I shoulda paid more attention in Psychology class.... I may also have to come up with yet another imaginary girlfriend, if this keeps up. Am I being anti-social? I don't think so.

Scott looks out for Scott's well-being first and foremost. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, except if he tries to take advantage or take away from others. As his friend, I'd do anything for him, and at one time, I would have helped him dump a body if I had to. Nowadays, I have my own life and problems to worry about, and it bothers me that he tries to manipulate me into doing shit instead of coming out and asking. I also wonder at the way that when people come over to my house, they seem to lose all common sense and act like a fool. Not just scott, but one of the reasons I stopped letting people come over to my house (besides being too busy for friends or women) was that they would get disrespectful and start running around like idiots. The time Scott brought over the german scat porn was just one example. Maybe I'm too permissive, or maybe I'm too naive expecting people to behave sensibly. Hmm....maybe I just have to snap and let my temper out more....