Everyone is worried about the pope. He's old. Instead of hovering around his deathbed and counting the minutes, why don't all these damn newscasts reflect on the stuff he's done during his life? There wasn't this much damn publicity and vulturing when Mother Theresa died. And she actually did good for people. I'm not saying the pope hasn't done good either. But he is one of the most powerful men in the world. His presence hung like a spectre all over the school when I was growing up in catholic school.
When I die, if I happen to be rich or powerful, I want everyone to fear that the end of the world is coming. ;) Kinda like the fall of carthage, or camelot, or the roman empire or something. I wouldn't want to encourage a dark age of lawlessness and despair, but I would like to have been responsible for a golden age of prosperity. Hope that makes sense....
Blogger sucks. Everyone was right, it IS broken. May have to move. Definetlely have to update format....
Saturday, April 02, 2005
My god, I'm a post whore. Not as bad as talking to myself, or my potential audience of 10 million random web surfers. This link is to an amazon list of teensploitation flicks. I dont see Legend of Billie Jean anywhere on there. However, some of the dude's links are pretty interesting. Some other time I will explain my love of Pat Benatar....
Big Dog Motorcycles has some DAMN sexy bikes. damn sexy. Big boys toys car show today at century II. I hear there is gonna be an all aluminum SMALL BLOCK 454 on display there. I think I'm gonna pay them a visit on my lunch break. I know if I see that display, I may just fall in love....
In related news, it's been going around that GM is going to do away with either their Buick or Pontiac motor division, cause of low sales. Sucks to be them.
12 Kingdoms is the shit. If you have not seen this anime, you MUST. It kicks so much ass, its not even funny. Shy, introverted high school girl becomes Queen of her own kingdom in an alternative (loosely based on chinese mythology) world. Been done, sure. But instead of something like say, Fuushigi Yuugi, where the main chick has people protecting her, she learns responsibility, leadership, and the ability to swing a sword and kick ass on her own. The fight scenes kinda taper off to get into the politics in the middle of the series, and there's ALOT of terminology to learn, but what fight scenes there are kick so much ass, they will make your nuts hard. Even if you don't have nuts ;) Its a lot like Naruto, except it's serious, not a whole lot of jokes. I found it amusing that kids are born on trees, though.
Alot of folks like what's called yuri anime. Series like Avenger, or Noir, or Utena. In all of these, gender roles are mixed or reversed or the like. You usually have a pair of characters of the same sex with ambiguously sexual undertones. I like these series because the main character usually has a clear cut right or wrong conscience, even if the world or environment they deal in isn't so clear cut. They fight for what they believe in, and they surely do kick ass doing it. Avenger, Noir, and Hack Sign are all drawn by Bee Train, which is my favorite anime production studio.
Big Dog Motorcycles has some DAMN sexy bikes. damn sexy. Big boys toys car show today at century II. I hear there is gonna be an all aluminum SMALL BLOCK 454 on display there. I think I'm gonna pay them a visit on my lunch break. I know if I see that display, I may just fall in love....
In related news, it's been going around that GM is going to do away with either their Buick or Pontiac motor division, cause of low sales. Sucks to be them.
12 Kingdoms is the shit. If you have not seen this anime, you MUST. It kicks so much ass, its not even funny. Shy, introverted high school girl becomes Queen of her own kingdom in an alternative (loosely based on chinese mythology) world. Been done, sure. But instead of something like say, Fuushigi Yuugi, where the main chick has people protecting her, she learns responsibility, leadership, and the ability to swing a sword and kick ass on her own. The fight scenes kinda taper off to get into the politics in the middle of the series, and there's ALOT of terminology to learn, but what fight scenes there are kick so much ass, they will make your nuts hard. Even if you don't have nuts ;) Its a lot like Naruto, except it's serious, not a whole lot of jokes. I found it amusing that kids are born on trees, though.
Alot of folks like what's called yuri anime. Series like Avenger, or Noir, or Utena. In all of these, gender roles are mixed or reversed or the like. You usually have a pair of characters of the same sex with ambiguously sexual undertones. I like these series because the main character usually has a clear cut right or wrong conscience, even if the world or environment they deal in isn't so clear cut. They fight for what they believe in, and they surely do kick ass doing it. Avenger, Noir, and Hack Sign are all drawn by Bee Train, which is my favorite anime production studio.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Remember kids...never post when you're tired. You come across as a trite, self-pitying kinda
person...the main reason why I stopped blogging in the first place.
Hormones jumpin' like a disco....
Ppl ask me, whats it like being a college grad? Stressful. I have talked about jealousy
before, but my own family, which was ripe with the emotion before, now properly ooze buckets
of jealousy everytime they so much as speak to me. It is funny that ALOT of people seem to be back
in school now...the wsu paper says its cause BTK was caught. Ya, right. I think it's cause people
see that if a lazy slacker like me can do it, so can they :)
Scott got "busy" when I graduated, of course. One of these days that man is either gonna be
a consistently shady or good person. One of these days I'm either gonna kick his ass, or shake
his hand in respect, then kick his ass.
Anne is getting married!! From her email, it doesn't look like anyone else in our old emporia click
got the news. I'm happy for her though. Maybe now Scott can stop telling everyone I was trying to
get in her pants. That man was always telling people I was trying to get in their girlfriends pants...
I see that there is now gonna be a movie version of "Miami Vice". I can hear my mom and my aunt
gushing now. They used to LOVE that show. It always bored my brother and I to tears. I DO remember
seeing a don johnson traffic saftey video in drivers ed. Yes, miami vice had been over for 10+ years
when I saw the video. Didn't matter, as DJ thought he was a sexy bitch back then. Still does. It is
funny how people who dressed 80's miami style back then were the height of masculinity, but now are
"fag magnets". Much like people who never gave up on the disco era, or the 70's platforms/pimp era.
There's a bunch of commotion in the paper and about town about the new "marriage law" legislation. It
seems that there is a movement to ban gay(and I assume lesbian) marriages, and to uphold the "traditional"
marriage structure. Now, whichever way you feel, or lean, or think, you're gonna have someone yelling
in your face. My question is: What is the price of gasoline? "What the hell?", you ask? EXACTLY. What
is the effin point? A ruler of a dead government that we base our current system of laws on once made his
horse (and some say lover) a senator. Lets not talk about the rampant homosexuality or idolotry that we are
supposed to be so against as a "christian" nation, that doesn't like to talk about religion.
Am I surprised, shocked, and angry about this legislation? Nope. Why? Cause I think it's a bunch of political
bullshit smoke and mirrors designed to keep us focused on it, while our legislators screw us over with more taxes
or something. There have been a number of unpopluar and hard fighting money issues lately. I am, however,
surprised and shocked that a college buddy of mine can be raised by a lesbian couple, have a girlfriend that looks
to be 12 years old (she's 26), not finish school, yet still make loads of money. His parents taught him SOMETHING
right.
Movies: Sin City opened today. I'm not a HUGE Frank Miller fan, but I've read "a few" of his graphic novels. I dig
bruce willis' part as the city's last cop battling his conscience. Didn't know cops had consciouses. *heh* The review
in the paper says that this movie makes Kill Bill look like a nickelodeon show. That's some violence that I just GOTTA
see. Guess Who: Bernie Mac as Ashton Kutcher's inlaw? This I gotta see. Mr. 3000 was great. Need to remember Pieces of April as well.
Sin City and Be Cool are both at the drive in. Want to see Hotel Rwanda, Don Cheadle is one of the most underrated actors
EVER. George Carlin is in town...
Things to remember: George Carlin, Big Boy's Toys show (I will be in class till the last hour) I SHOULD NOT play hooky.
Dave might have a running project bike for me, and some parts. anime con tulsa coming up, get with brian on dungeon idea,
start on resources for business, start on business plan. websites. Talk to jason, see if I can get software from shiva
remember to eat and sleep. Microsoft and Cisco certs. Peace Corps....
person...the main reason why I stopped blogging in the first place.
Hormones jumpin' like a disco....
Ppl ask me, whats it like being a college grad? Stressful. I have talked about jealousy
before, but my own family, which was ripe with the emotion before, now properly ooze buckets
of jealousy everytime they so much as speak to me. It is funny that ALOT of people seem to be back
in school now...the wsu paper says its cause BTK was caught. Ya, right. I think it's cause people
see that if a lazy slacker like me can do it, so can they :)
Scott got "busy" when I graduated, of course. One of these days that man is either gonna be
a consistently shady or good person. One of these days I'm either gonna kick his ass, or shake
his hand in respect, then kick his ass.
Anne is getting married!! From her email, it doesn't look like anyone else in our old emporia click
got the news. I'm happy for her though. Maybe now Scott can stop telling everyone I was trying to
get in her pants. That man was always telling people I was trying to get in their girlfriends pants...
I see that there is now gonna be a movie version of "Miami Vice". I can hear my mom and my aunt
gushing now. They used to LOVE that show. It always bored my brother and I to tears. I DO remember
seeing a don johnson traffic saftey video in drivers ed. Yes, miami vice had been over for 10+ years
when I saw the video. Didn't matter, as DJ thought he was a sexy bitch back then. Still does. It is
funny how people who dressed 80's miami style back then were the height of masculinity, but now are
"fag magnets". Much like people who never gave up on the disco era, or the 70's platforms/pimp era.
There's a bunch of commotion in the paper and about town about the new "marriage law" legislation. It
seems that there is a movement to ban gay(and I assume lesbian) marriages, and to uphold the "traditional"
marriage structure. Now, whichever way you feel, or lean, or think, you're gonna have someone yelling
in your face. My question is: What is the price of gasoline? "What the hell?", you ask? EXACTLY. What
is the effin point? A ruler of a dead government that we base our current system of laws on once made his
horse (and some say lover) a senator. Lets not talk about the rampant homosexuality or idolotry that we are
supposed to be so against as a "christian" nation, that doesn't like to talk about religion.
Am I surprised, shocked, and angry about this legislation? Nope. Why? Cause I think it's a bunch of political
bullshit smoke and mirrors designed to keep us focused on it, while our legislators screw us over with more taxes
or something. There have been a number of unpopluar and hard fighting money issues lately. I am, however,
surprised and shocked that a college buddy of mine can be raised by a lesbian couple, have a girlfriend that looks
to be 12 years old (she's 26), not finish school, yet still make loads of money. His parents taught him SOMETHING
right.
Movies: Sin City opened today. I'm not a HUGE Frank Miller fan, but I've read "a few" of his graphic novels. I dig
bruce willis' part as the city's last cop battling his conscience. Didn't know cops had consciouses. *heh* The review
in the paper says that this movie makes Kill Bill look like a nickelodeon show. That's some violence that I just GOTTA
see. Guess Who: Bernie Mac as Ashton Kutcher's inlaw? This I gotta see. Mr. 3000 was great. Need to remember Pieces of April as well.
Sin City and Be Cool are both at the drive in. Want to see Hotel Rwanda, Don Cheadle is one of the most underrated actors
EVER. George Carlin is in town...
Things to remember: George Carlin, Big Boy's Toys show (I will be in class till the last hour) I SHOULD NOT play hooky.
Dave might have a running project bike for me, and some parts. anime con tulsa coming up, get with brian on dungeon idea,
start on resources for business, start on business plan. websites. Talk to jason, see if I can get software from shiva
remember to eat and sleep. Microsoft and Cisco certs. Peace Corps....
April. 420 is on the way, heh. ;) I think I'm gonna have to kick my own ass. Or take my foot out my mouth. Figured out partially why everyone has been acting the way they have, and as usual, it's my fault. I may be throwing out what can be construed as confusing signs, and I keep forgetting to take into account that many of the people that I hang with now have an alternative lifestyle. And its not always as mildly annoying as ordering a tbone double rare in front of a vegan, either ;) I have occasionally been doing stuff like making gay jokes (texas? good god, only steers and queers come from texas!) and stuff like that. Sure, that was only a movie reference, but that probably explains why many of my friends have been so jittery.
Security seminar was a joke. It was basically a Cisco rep that was pushing the new combo routers that have been in industry news lately. Not even any free food. I bailed before I was there 10 minutes.
You, my friend are too introverted....like Hank Hill. Saw the episode where Kahn lost his job. Funny shit. Which reminds me, link to "Which king of the hill character are you?" or make one.
Need to get steve to revive the tour of booty series....gather people for the mass exodus for the new office space movie he is doing.
Need to also decide if I'm gonna get serious about a business idea running around in my head...or if I even have the time. But dammit, if jerrod can do it, so can I. If I do it, some folks that aren't talking to each other are gonna have to learn to be civil...
Lastly, need to stop being so softhearted. Helping folks is all well and good, but it keeps getting me in trouble. Or, I get pissed when my help is refused or abused, or thought of as a way to get in some chicks pants. Need to leave unsingle chicks totally alone. I'm tired of getting checked by their guys cause of insecurities. To explain further: I will look out for my friends whatever their status. Married, single, gay, straight, whatever. If I hang out with ya, you have been blessed, cause if I can help, I will, without question. If I was gonna bang friend's chick, I would have the common decency to at least give him a heads up. I would not go behind his back. That's been really pissin me off lately, cause I've been checked without due cause. Cannont fuck up classes. I guess these are my april fools resolutions....
Security seminar was a joke. It was basically a Cisco rep that was pushing the new combo routers that have been in industry news lately. Not even any free food. I bailed before I was there 10 minutes.
You, my friend are too introverted....like Hank Hill. Saw the episode where Kahn lost his job. Funny shit. Which reminds me, link to "Which king of the hill character are you?" or make one.
Need to get steve to revive the tour of booty series....gather people for the mass exodus for the new office space movie he is doing.
Need to also decide if I'm gonna get serious about a business idea running around in my head...or if I even have the time. But dammit, if jerrod can do it, so can I. If I do it, some folks that aren't talking to each other are gonna have to learn to be civil...
Lastly, need to stop being so softhearted. Helping folks is all well and good, but it keeps getting me in trouble. Or, I get pissed when my help is refused or abused, or thought of as a way to get in some chicks pants. Need to leave unsingle chicks totally alone. I'm tired of getting checked by their guys cause of insecurities. To explain further: I will look out for my friends whatever their status. Married, single, gay, straight, whatever. If I hang out with ya, you have been blessed, cause if I can help, I will, without question. If I was gonna bang friend's chick, I would have the common decency to at least give him a heads up. I would not go behind his back. That's been really pissin me off lately, cause I've been checked without due cause. Cannont fuck up classes. I guess these are my april fools resolutions....
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Life in Castle Gray Skull Blogger doesn't really have a good search tool to search blog sites. Found this one though. Cool! OMFG, sledgehammer is on DVD!!! My childhood returns to haunt me. Now all I need to see is pole position and galaxy high....
I found out recently that you can set up your old Sega Dreamcast as a hacking tool on a private network. Odds are, your local paranoid admin *grin* will find out about it well before you could do anything interesting with it, but it does make for a cheap, effective tool.
Southwestern University is offering a video game development curriculum as part of their Computer Science track. Too bad tuition for an UNDERGRAD degree is as much as I'm paying for my GRADUATE degree. Guildhall makes you take full time classes 5 days a week and sounds like about same amount of $$$ (more if you're from out of state) Now considering staying in wichita LONGER. Really want a CS degree under my belt. Feeling all kinds of inadequate since I haven't seriously written code (does HTML count?) in years. God knows more skills are welcome, since I still know 'puter nerds that are jobless.....and were jobless when I met them 5 years ago.
Need to start looking at my own security, since I am finally starting to get around my long standing war with Teh COX and may get broadband at home again. I know my laptop is wide open (open wireless at Friends, not even accursed WEP) and since a bunch of the stuff is shared out to my local 802.11g (WPA baby!) at home, I'm asking for trouble....even if I don't keep anything important on them. Organisation and Integrity are KEY in the Information World.
Integrity is key in personal life as well. Now that I've got my head out of my shell, I'm starting to see the patterns in that wonderful thing called group dynamics. I used to be good at reading, following, and to an extent manipulating group dynamics. Used to also be one of the people that could fit in wherever I went (And it was FUN hanging out with the rednecks, lemme tell you)
At one time I advocated hedonism, telling everyone that if it feels good, do it...as long as it doesn't hurt others. Looking back on it, this may have been why I got some of those stares from my friends that had significant others, especially with my talk of cults, polygamous marriages or how I would one day find myself a bad ass chick (or two) that had the "ass of the ages" An ass of such magnificance that I could "set a martini and a clock radio on it" or "roll hotwheels down the cheeks"
Man it was fun to be young(er) . These days, instead of preaching about open communication, I am just trying my best to be successful without screwing other people over. Not that my sentimentality keeps others from trying to screw me... I feel like the sell out exhippy dad from SLC PUNK or the dad on Daria.
I have noticed over the years that most people's hangups are over something either parental, or sexual. Freudian Slips usually abound, and the man WAS pretty smart. Even after nearly 28 years on this earth, I don't understand why people get hungup on sex. Its been around as long as people have. Maybe its cause people confuse lust and integrity. Maybe, because jealousy is an old genetic throwback designed to protect the gene pool. Maybe because all humans are idiots.
Its hard to have good friends and good conversations when you're getting chin checked by the guys who think you're trying to get on their women, and you piss off the girls for reasons that I will never know. I have heard that this is commonplace, cause the m/f ratio in wichita is almost 1:1. As for pissing chix off, I seem to have that knack. I wish I didn't, though. I was browsing this book and found an interesting passage that might explain why I piss chix off so much: I may not act masculine enough, according to our cultural norms.
If I ever decide to stop suffering from nice guy syndrome, or decide to start being a self-centered asshole, I think I may actually end up being happy in life....or at least have as much ass as I could possibly want. My testicular fortitude is being tested daily by some BAD ASS CHIX, and its getting harder and harder for me to deal with it. When I say bad ass chix, I mean the kind that have me slobbering and about ready to wet myself, which are two modes of behavior that said chix most definetly do not appreciate.
Linkies: Order of the Stick and AllGrownUP AGU is discontinued, but both are worth reading, especially if your a gamer.
I'm gonna make it to burning man one day, dammit.
random link 1
Random link 2
Next blog: equilibrium & boondock saints, dammit. peace corps, links to bad ass chix, anime con, ai, video game development
song lyrics
Southwestern University is offering a video game development curriculum as part of their Computer Science track. Too bad tuition for an UNDERGRAD degree is as much as I'm paying for my GRADUATE degree. Guildhall makes you take full time classes 5 days a week and sounds like about same amount of $$$ (more if you're from out of state) Now considering staying in wichita LONGER. Really want a CS degree under my belt. Feeling all kinds of inadequate since I haven't seriously written code (does HTML count?) in years. God knows more skills are welcome, since I still know 'puter nerds that are jobless.....and were jobless when I met them 5 years ago.
Need to start looking at my own security, since I am finally starting to get around my long standing war with Teh COX and may get broadband at home again. I know my laptop is wide open (open wireless at Friends, not even accursed WEP) and since a bunch of the stuff is shared out to my local 802.11g (WPA baby!) at home, I'm asking for trouble....even if I don't keep anything important on them. Organisation and Integrity are KEY in the Information World.
Integrity is key in personal life as well. Now that I've got my head out of my shell, I'm starting to see the patterns in that wonderful thing called group dynamics. I used to be good at reading, following, and to an extent manipulating group dynamics. Used to also be one of the people that could fit in wherever I went (And it was FUN hanging out with the rednecks, lemme tell you)
At one time I advocated hedonism, telling everyone that if it feels good, do it...as long as it doesn't hurt others. Looking back on it, this may have been why I got some of those stares from my friends that had significant others, especially with my talk of cults, polygamous marriages or how I would one day find myself a bad ass chick (or two) that had the "ass of the ages" An ass of such magnificance that I could "set a martini and a clock radio on it" or "roll hotwheels down the cheeks"
Man it was fun to be young(er) . These days, instead of preaching about open communication, I am just trying my best to be successful without screwing other people over. Not that my sentimentality keeps others from trying to screw me... I feel like the sell out exhippy dad from SLC PUNK or the dad on Daria.
I have noticed over the years that most people's hangups are over something either parental, or sexual. Freudian Slips usually abound, and the man WAS pretty smart. Even after nearly 28 years on this earth, I don't understand why people get hungup on sex. Its been around as long as people have. Maybe its cause people confuse lust and integrity. Maybe, because jealousy is an old genetic throwback designed to protect the gene pool. Maybe because all humans are idiots.
Its hard to have good friends and good conversations when you're getting chin checked by the guys who think you're trying to get on their women, and you piss off the girls for reasons that I will never know. I have heard that this is commonplace, cause the m/f ratio in wichita is almost 1:1. As for pissing chix off, I seem to have that knack. I wish I didn't, though. I was browsing this book and found an interesting passage that might explain why I piss chix off so much: I may not act masculine enough, according to our cultural norms.
If I ever decide to stop suffering from nice guy syndrome, or decide to start being a self-centered asshole, I think I may actually end up being happy in life....or at least have as much ass as I could possibly want. My testicular fortitude is being tested daily by some BAD ASS CHIX, and its getting harder and harder for me to deal with it. When I say bad ass chix, I mean the kind that have me slobbering and about ready to wet myself, which are two modes of behavior that said chix most definetly do not appreciate.
Linkies: Order of the Stick and AllGrownUP AGU is discontinued, but both are worth reading, especially if your a gamer.
I'm gonna make it to burning man one day, dammit.
random link 1
Random link 2
Next blog: equilibrium & boondock saints, dammit. peace corps, links to bad ass chix, anime con, ai, video game development
song lyrics
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
There is a (hardware) security seminar on the 31st being put on by some CISCO folks. I think it'll be more entertaining than the hacking seminar I went to last week.
Today was a damn fine day. After the short novella I spent venting, I may have to do that more often. Good thing this isn't a public blog. Kinda sad that I don't have any people close enough to vent to though. Being stressed out by my mom has been the main thing depressing me in the whole time I been here. Dealing with my friend Scott has been just like dealing with my mom....I never hear from either of them unless they want something.
Anyway, feeling MUCH more productive than I have in a while. Thinking of setting up a new website just for IT and college grads. Job hunting, support, forums, the whole nine yards. Just wish people were more upfront tho
Today was a damn fine day. After the short novella I spent venting, I may have to do that more often. Good thing this isn't a public blog. Kinda sad that I don't have any people close enough to vent to though. Being stressed out by my mom has been the main thing depressing me in the whole time I been here. Dealing with my friend Scott has been just like dealing with my mom....I never hear from either of them unless they want something.
Anyway, feeling MUCH more productive than I have in a while. Thinking of setting up a new website just for IT and college grads. Job hunting, support, forums, the whole nine yards. Just wish people were more upfront tho
Monday, March 28, 2005
Linky: Sexy Losers Another online comic, although the guy that does this has slacked off due to personal illness.
Next Blog: Talk more about Equilibrium and The Boondock Saints They are worth discussion.
Hmm. Well, I accomplished my task of getting shit-faced. Last nite, I got drunker than I had been since new years eve of '01. I also remembered (the next day) why I don't get drunk anymore. I didn't get a hangover, but the reason I don't drink is that when you get shitfaced, you should have someone sober enough to take you home. I didnt. I almost didn't make it home. Shouldn't have drove, and swore my friend that took me there was the one of two cars that followed me home. That ended up not being the case, and I'm not even sure who the second car was. Im pretty sure I'm good from getting drunk for the next coupla years though. Stayed in bed all day and didn't do much of anything. Can't do that anymore. Missed my favorite great aunt coming in from kc, missed my great grandma's easter/birthday dinner. Apparently, I impressed Scott's sister with my ability to hold my booze though. Seems like she is used to drinking folks under the table. Hah. If I hadn't broken the cardinal rule of having a coupla beers before I went out, I woulda done much better.
I DO feel much, much better though. I was so stressed out from this class. Didn't like it, didn't want to be in it. Couldn't drop, damn sure couldn't fail. Just gotta maintain for 10 more months and then I'm done. What then? Dunno. Would like to finally leave Wichita for good. I'd be ecstatic if I could leave the midwest for good.
I'm a loner, by nature. Some folks have said that everyone is, especially computer nerds. It's getting to the point in IT now that you CANT be a loner, and I don't mind working in groups. I just prefer working by myself. In my personal life, especially since I've been in Wichita, I'm a loner as well. I hate seeing other people struggle by themselves like I do though. I've chosen my path, and I'll continue to try to stick with it, until I'm successful or stark raving nuts. ;)Having the car hobby didn't help much either. All car people are antisocial, and perverted. At least most are;) But having that hobby kept me outta trouble. This town is famous for jealousy, and jealousy I think is a worse sin than greed (al pacino voice)
I'm tired of getting checked by guys thinking I'm trying to get in their girlfriends pants. I'm tired of getting checked by guys thinking I'm trying to get in their boyfriends pants. I'm tired of not being able to talk to chicks because they think I'm trying to get into their pants. This town is way too square. If you want some booty, be upfront. Its hard enough trying to take care of yourself in this world, without getting into a bunch of bullshit just because of jealousy. I'm pretty sure the emotion itself is just a throwback survival trait. In my eyes, jealousy is what happens when someone has something that you don't have, and have no chance of EVER getting. So if I was jealous of someone over a woman or a computer or a car, that's as good as saying that I'll never in my life have something similar. That's rather silly, donchathink?
At one time I used to talk about polygamy, and starting a hedonistic cult out in the sticks. I was gonna be the patriarch and blah blah blah. Thus was the legend of the Reverend Newton Bigsexy born. I was never afraid to talk about sex, or listen to people's problems, or give advice. I thought at the time that people's problems (especially here) centered around their inability to be honest with themselves on certain issues, and many times that was sex. (Ya, I liked Freud, but never thought he had ALL the answers). Meeting the host of the party last nite Brian (damn he can mix some drinks) and seeing his basement of wonders made me start thinking about the "old me" and wondering what has happened to him. Perhaps now that I am responsible for my own welfare, I don't have the time to listen to other's problems as much anymore, and that makes me feel guilty?
I know that when I finally decided to get back in school and FINISH this time, I knew I had to put all distractions behind me. But I'm not sure if I like the consequences of making that decision. At least I don't have to worry about having to pay my bill's and my moms anymore, but if I ever fall or something happens to me, I sure as hell don't have a home to go back to. Maybe I'm scared of living, because of a fear of failure. I know failure is the only thing I'm really scared of. Perhaps that is why I run away from women now, or screw up (intentionally or not) with them. Before, I didn't have time for any kind of relationship, trying to go to school full time at two different places and keep a roof over my head took priority. Keeping my mom outta my pockets was another. It's also hard when people get all scared just cause you raise your voice. I always wanted my voice to be DEEP, and I guess it is, I just never realized, cause from my ears it didn't have the sound that I wanted.
In any case, it is certainly different now that I only have grad school to worry about. But coming out from the stress and forced introversion has been hard. I walk my path though, because that is what we all have to do. I favor Zen Buddhism and Samurai flicks so much because all I have in this world is my nuts and my word. Despite all the petty arguements and jealous rivalries that everyone goes through, that's all anyone has. I think if people realized this and stopped being so materialistic, or worried about what other people have, the world would be a better place. Can't change people's behavior though, at least not unless they let you.
Maybe I need to stop being afraid of offending people. I am still in the middle of wrestling with the cutthroatedness that these business classes kinda teach you, and of whether or not they are turning me into a sell-out. I am also afraid that I'm becoming an asshole. I used to believe that all human beings are basically good people, and I thought that one should always at least attempt to do the right thing. But that's fast becoming old to me, and if I stop trying to see the good in people, or caring about people, that's gonna turn my whole world upside down. It is a fact that there isn't a damn body looking out for me, so why am I always trying to look out for everyone else? I don't have a congregation of faithful, or a cult, or a platoon, so I should just be looking out for myself, right? Temper and temperment take a part in this too....
Old Chicago.
Took Scott to old Chicago on the west side tonite. His new girlfriend works there. Knew that's what he wanted when he showed up looking for me at another buddy's place. He wanted me to drive him cause he didn't want to use his own gas. It's all good, I got a dr pepper and some cheese fries. Old Chicago is NOT my scene though. Too many wanna be Abercrombie and Fitch folks there. Everyone being loud and trying to be centers of attention. Its a place the scott I knew of old would have avoided like the plague. But, in the years since I left emporia, he has definetly changed. Hormones might have something to do with it too. It was amusing when he tried to explain the "hierarchy" of things to me. I was "a friend of the boyfriend" so apparently I wasn't important enough to notice or talk to there. Preppy Bullshit. Although, not different from any other cultural group if you look at it from sociology standpoint.
Scott has been trying to make hints about letting him or his girlfriend drive my car. Dropped hint last nite, dropped hint again tonite "I think I could drive this car" If he drops hint again, I may have to be an asshole to make him get the point. I work for my own shit, and he can get behind the wheel when he's ready to make payments on the damn thing. I don't recall the man ever letting me drive any of the caddy's....Trying to understand why he's having his girlfriend meet him at my house and all this junk too. Looking for acceptance? Looking to move in? I shoulda paid more attention in Psychology class.... I may also have to come up with yet another imaginary girlfriend, if this keeps up. Am I being anti-social? I don't think so.
Scott looks out for Scott's well-being first and foremost. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, except if he tries to take advantage or take away from others. As his friend, I'd do anything for him, and at one time, I would have helped him dump a body if I had to. Nowadays, I have my own life and problems to worry about, and it bothers me that he tries to manipulate me into doing shit instead of coming out and asking. I also wonder at the way that when people come over to my house, they seem to lose all common sense and act like a fool. Not just scott, but one of the reasons I stopped letting people come over to my house (besides being too busy for friends or women) was that they would get disrespectful and start running around like idiots. The time Scott brought over the german scat porn was just one example. Maybe I'm too permissive, or maybe I'm too naive expecting people to behave sensibly. Hmm....maybe I just have to snap and let my temper out more....
Next Blog: Talk more about Equilibrium and The Boondock Saints They are worth discussion.
Hmm. Well, I accomplished my task of getting shit-faced. Last nite, I got drunker than I had been since new years eve of '01. I also remembered (the next day) why I don't get drunk anymore. I didn't get a hangover, but the reason I don't drink is that when you get shitfaced, you should have someone sober enough to take you home. I didnt. I almost didn't make it home. Shouldn't have drove, and swore my friend that took me there was the one of two cars that followed me home. That ended up not being the case, and I'm not even sure who the second car was. Im pretty sure I'm good from getting drunk for the next coupla years though. Stayed in bed all day and didn't do much of anything. Can't do that anymore. Missed my favorite great aunt coming in from kc, missed my great grandma's easter/birthday dinner. Apparently, I impressed Scott's sister with my ability to hold my booze though. Seems like she is used to drinking folks under the table. Hah. If I hadn't broken the cardinal rule of having a coupla beers before I went out, I woulda done much better.
I DO feel much, much better though. I was so stressed out from this class. Didn't like it, didn't want to be in it. Couldn't drop, damn sure couldn't fail. Just gotta maintain for 10 more months and then I'm done. What then? Dunno. Would like to finally leave Wichita for good. I'd be ecstatic if I could leave the midwest for good.
I'm a loner, by nature. Some folks have said that everyone is, especially computer nerds. It's getting to the point in IT now that you CANT be a loner, and I don't mind working in groups. I just prefer working by myself. In my personal life, especially since I've been in Wichita, I'm a loner as well. I hate seeing other people struggle by themselves like I do though. I've chosen my path, and I'll continue to try to stick with it, until I'm successful or stark raving nuts. ;)Having the car hobby didn't help much either. All car people are antisocial, and perverted. At least most are;) But having that hobby kept me outta trouble. This town is famous for jealousy, and jealousy I think is a worse sin than greed (al pacino voice)
I'm tired of getting checked by guys thinking I'm trying to get in their girlfriends pants. I'm tired of getting checked by guys thinking I'm trying to get in their boyfriends pants. I'm tired of not being able to talk to chicks because they think I'm trying to get into their pants. This town is way too square. If you want some booty, be upfront. Its hard enough trying to take care of yourself in this world, without getting into a bunch of bullshit just because of jealousy. I'm pretty sure the emotion itself is just a throwback survival trait. In my eyes, jealousy is what happens when someone has something that you don't have, and have no chance of EVER getting. So if I was jealous of someone over a woman or a computer or a car, that's as good as saying that I'll never in my life have something similar. That's rather silly, donchathink?
At one time I used to talk about polygamy, and starting a hedonistic cult out in the sticks. I was gonna be the patriarch and blah blah blah. Thus was the legend of the Reverend Newton Bigsexy born. I was never afraid to talk about sex, or listen to people's problems, or give advice. I thought at the time that people's problems (especially here) centered around their inability to be honest with themselves on certain issues, and many times that was sex. (Ya, I liked Freud, but never thought he had ALL the answers). Meeting the host of the party last nite Brian (damn he can mix some drinks) and seeing his basement of wonders made me start thinking about the "old me" and wondering what has happened to him. Perhaps now that I am responsible for my own welfare, I don't have the time to listen to other's problems as much anymore, and that makes me feel guilty?
I know that when I finally decided to get back in school and FINISH this time, I knew I had to put all distractions behind me. But I'm not sure if I like the consequences of making that decision. At least I don't have to worry about having to pay my bill's and my moms anymore, but if I ever fall or something happens to me, I sure as hell don't have a home to go back to. Maybe I'm scared of living, because of a fear of failure. I know failure is the only thing I'm really scared of. Perhaps that is why I run away from women now, or screw up (intentionally or not) with them. Before, I didn't have time for any kind of relationship, trying to go to school full time at two different places and keep a roof over my head took priority. Keeping my mom outta my pockets was another. It's also hard when people get all scared just cause you raise your voice. I always wanted my voice to be DEEP, and I guess it is, I just never realized, cause from my ears it didn't have the sound that I wanted.
In any case, it is certainly different now that I only have grad school to worry about. But coming out from the stress and forced introversion has been hard. I walk my path though, because that is what we all have to do. I favor Zen Buddhism and Samurai flicks so much because all I have in this world is my nuts and my word. Despite all the petty arguements and jealous rivalries that everyone goes through, that's all anyone has. I think if people realized this and stopped being so materialistic, or worried about what other people have, the world would be a better place. Can't change people's behavior though, at least not unless they let you.
Maybe I need to stop being afraid of offending people. I am still in the middle of wrestling with the cutthroatedness that these business classes kinda teach you, and of whether or not they are turning me into a sell-out. I am also afraid that I'm becoming an asshole. I used to believe that all human beings are basically good people, and I thought that one should always at least attempt to do the right thing. But that's fast becoming old to me, and if I stop trying to see the good in people, or caring about people, that's gonna turn my whole world upside down. It is a fact that there isn't a damn body looking out for me, so why am I always trying to look out for everyone else? I don't have a congregation of faithful, or a cult, or a platoon, so I should just be looking out for myself, right? Temper and temperment take a part in this too....
Old Chicago.
Took Scott to old Chicago on the west side tonite. His new girlfriend works there. Knew that's what he wanted when he showed up looking for me at another buddy's place. He wanted me to drive him cause he didn't want to use his own gas. It's all good, I got a dr pepper and some cheese fries. Old Chicago is NOT my scene though. Too many wanna be Abercrombie and Fitch folks there. Everyone being loud and trying to be centers of attention. Its a place the scott I knew of old would have avoided like the plague. But, in the years since I left emporia, he has definetly changed. Hormones might have something to do with it too. It was amusing when he tried to explain the "hierarchy" of things to me. I was "a friend of the boyfriend" so apparently I wasn't important enough to notice or talk to there. Preppy Bullshit. Although, not different from any other cultural group if you look at it from sociology standpoint.
Scott has been trying to make hints about letting him or his girlfriend drive my car. Dropped hint last nite, dropped hint again tonite "I think I could drive this car" If he drops hint again, I may have to be an asshole to make him get the point. I work for my own shit, and he can get behind the wheel when he's ready to make payments on the damn thing. I don't recall the man ever letting me drive any of the caddy's....Trying to understand why he's having his girlfriend meet him at my house and all this junk too. Looking for acceptance? Looking to move in? I shoulda paid more attention in Psychology class.... I may also have to come up with yet another imaginary girlfriend, if this keeps up. Am I being anti-social? I don't think so.
Scott looks out for Scott's well-being first and foremost. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, except if he tries to take advantage or take away from others. As his friend, I'd do anything for him, and at one time, I would have helped him dump a body if I had to. Nowadays, I have my own life and problems to worry about, and it bothers me that he tries to manipulate me into doing shit instead of coming out and asking. I also wonder at the way that when people come over to my house, they seem to lose all common sense and act like a fool. Not just scott, but one of the reasons I stopped letting people come over to my house (besides being too busy for friends or women) was that they would get disrespectful and start running around like idiots. The time Scott brought over the german scat porn was just one example. Maybe I'm too permissive, or maybe I'm too naive expecting people to behave sensibly. Hmm....maybe I just have to snap and let my temper out more....
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